Ninja Professional Kitchen 1100

It doesn't look like a ninja

Yes, the Ninja Professional Kitchen 1100. I put that in up here for SEO. This website tells me how to make you find it.

It doesn't look like a ninja
It doesn’t really look like a ninja

I got the Ninja, because I needed something really fucking powerful to decimate some bars of handmade soap. I was using a Bullet Express, but it really wasn’t heavy duty enough to do the job, so we went looking for something that was.

That’s where this behemoth comes in. The fucking power of it is impressive. It smashed the bars into little bits in seconds and didn’t even start breathing heavy.

It was like sex when you were sixteen.

Not me, because I was a smoker, but for an average sixteen year old.

There are really not a lot of ninja-like qualities about it, like the noise and vibration, but the blades are fucking sharp and fast, so there’s that.

I stuffed that motherfucker full on the second attempt and hit the pulse button, because I was a little afraid of wrecking it.

Not a fucking chance. It shredded the shit out of itĀ and begged me for something harder.

Kind of like an old girlfriend of mine. She had braces. I kind of ruined that joke. It was pretty lame anyhow. I’m just stretching here, trying to keep you interested in a fucking blender review.

During all of this powerful chopping, I noticed a real downfall of this machine.

All the shit gets packed into the corners and leaves a hole in the middle. (I know there has to be an anal sex joke in there, but I will leave it up to you to find it. That’s what the comments are for.)

I tried scraping it down and trying again, but it only lasted seconds. Then I tried it in the small pitcher, but the same thing happened. I tried the mixing paddles and the dough blender, but nothing worked at all. I couldn’t powder this stuff up, like I could with the Express. I even tried mixing washing soda and Borax in to dry it out.

Still nothing. I eventually gave up and went back to the Bullet Express to fine grind the rest of it. With the two machines, it works really well, but not that great with just one. Oh well, as long as the job gets done, who gives a fuck how many square feet of counterĀ space gets taken up?

The answer to that question is: My Wife.

Anyhow, this machine will do a lot of shit really well, just not what I bought it for. It will whip the shit out of a smoothie, or crush a whack of ice for you, it just gets bound up in the corners with certain things.

If that bothers you, don’t waste your cash. If it doesn’t, then click on this photo and order one.

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